The pandemic presented a unique and awe-inspiring opportunity for self-reflection. For better or worse — we as a species were left with an abundance of time. In an age where everything seems to come and go at a forceful pace — the pandemic left us all with time.
The world crashed and burned to try to deal with this abundance. With nothing better to do, people regressed to their vices of overindulgence. Overindulgence of food, Netflix, social media, booze — you name it. 2020 contained trying times for most people I know. It was an experience unlike any other — we as adults found ourselves with as much free time as children. Some of us even had the government keep us afloat throughout the shutdown. But unlike children, we lacked the levity to simply exist moment to moment. The excess time forced all of us into an existential crisis alongside an economic one.
The economic crisis that continues to unfold is a massive one. Hundreds of thousands of families were and still are forced to decide between feeding their children and paying rent. The hilariously subpar attempt of our recently retired president let this pandemic and this economic crisis grow so grossly out of hand. In an ideal situation (partisanship and filibustering aside) we all as a species could have taken the chance to breathe a little deeper. When this all blew up — I had hoped everyone could have had a brief respite from the hustle and bustle of our everyday lives.
Things played out a little differently than I had hoped.
I lost my job — and like most people — needed to find another one fast. I frantically applied to jobs — hundreds of them — hoping for a response. I was out of breath every damn day. I was desperate for validation. I was harassing recruiters, blasting out my work availability on all my social media platforms, every damn day. I was so desperate for someone — anyone to give me a chance. The time made me manic, the growing political turmoil didn’t help either. Took me a full 60 days of hyperactive job searching to come to a revelation — to finally get that chance for that deep breath I had been searching for. With nothing else to do, with my overhead supplemented by the government — all I could find myself looking to do — was to seek validation through employment.
I pride myself on being the type of person who is thoughtful about their place in society. I like to toot my own horn and praise the fact that we all have autonomy and a say in how we want to live our lives. I love to think of the idea that I had a say in how I was feeling about the situations in my life, but these 60 days of fervent job hunting proved otherwise. I needed the validation — I was desperate for it. I lost all sense of control in the type of thoughtful person I thought I was. I was overwhelmed with grief and depression in the face of no external validation. Something had to give.
I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. I was and currently am in such a blessed position that the pandemic did not adversely affect my finances; the government stimulus swooped in swiftly and with haste. Only after those wild 60 days, did I think to myself what finding gainful employment meant to me. It was not about the money — the government was taking care of my overhead. What was it about then?
Validation
The entirety of those 60 days and quite frankly my entire lifetime of experience prior — I had outsourced my self-worth, which I think is a common trait. It’s was never actually about the money, nor the six-figure salary, nor about the job title. Those were all distractions from the larger issue at hand. These arbitrary facts were ideas I used to prove my worthiness to myself. And in the face of the greatest job deficit since the great depression — I had none of those titles and distractions to feel better. I was just….. myself.
Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to build yourself back up again. Jobless still — but at least I realized what was bugging me so much about the process. I needed to find a way to feel good just being myself. I needed to find a way to internalize my self-worth and to stop outsourcing it.
2020 helped me stop looking for validation from outside sources. (Or at least start to.) The rat race is not one that you are forced into — the rat race is not one you are competing against your peers, it is an internal race. A race and an endless cycle of seeking validation from outside sources. People burn out and work themselves to the grave forever; desperately searching for validation from the outside world. Self-worth needs to emanate from within.
The pandemic was a brutal reminder that I have and always will be enough. The rat race I was fighting was with myself. It took me 60 days of crippling angst and internalized social pressure to crack. Sustained and true self-worth — always has to stem from within.
Granted — I haven’t exactly mastered this internalized self-worth but the seeds have been planted and I’m giving it my best shot! Days where I’m feeling less incentivized to do my work, or feeling particular more existential one day versus another — I give myself the break. My rat race starts and ends with me.
I won’t let it get out of hand any more.
Take this chance to give yourself a break. You’re doing great :)